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Thursday, April 20, 2006

Hi hi everyone, guess who's back.

Yes, time for some reflections yet again. Zhiming's confused over life matters yet again.

Somehow, life at school has changed greatly. Situations come, and people change according to the situations to suit them as well.

Here's my situation now.

1)Ever been the last few people in studies for the whole JC2 school cohort? Yes, I'm there.
2) Ever been last in studies for your CCA? Yes, I'm that too.
3) Ever felt so helpless at studies? Yes, its happening now.
4) Ever felt so angry at yourself? Yes.
5) Ever felt being selfish when you prioritise studies, at the cost of sacrificing friendships? Yes.
6) Ever felt negative feelings towards council? Yes.

I'M IN A FUCKED UP SITUATION NOW PEOPLE!!!!

Right...I just had to say that.

Ok.... I had another heart to heart talk with my bro on tuesday. And I met Mr Kwek today regarding my studies. So, I have come to realise a lot of things... Or at least I was reminded of them. Life is a bitch. Recently, I have come to realise how selfish I can be. Ok, seeing how I have put studies as my MAIN priority, everything else seems insignificant now. Friends, council, entertainment at home. There's no time left to waste on these things. Time is scarce. I need to be productive! At least that's what I'm starting to feel. When I miss council activities, at the end of the day I feel like " Right...I wasnt needed anyways. They surely can manage everything themselves." And when I do go for council activites, I keep considering if I'm actually being productive or wasting precious time. Horray I'm starting to habour these negative feelings. And they will stay as long as I dont get some decent results for my studies. I'm like such a bastard now. Sorry if I offended anyone. The situation just forces me to think this way. I dont like it myself. How I wished I still could be as relaxed as anyone else. But I dont think so. Its relaxing too much that has gotten me to this fucked up stage.

Ok given how I currently feel, I think maybe I should avoid the councillors now. At least until I'm needed for the compulsory council meeting regarding council camp. Even to this stage, I swear that I will not just drop council like this. I believe in respecting those that have respected me back. I shall follow through with council till the very last end. And share the last moments with them. Though I do not know what kind of mentality I will be in then. Maybe being angry over studies again. I dont know.

Ok... I know that its a bad habit of mine to always be pondering about what has happened in the past, rather than moving myself forward. Hey, isnt it past mistakes that make us push ourselves forward? Learn things the hard way.

63 DAYS LEFT to Mid Years.... My next major obstacle.

Today, I met Mr Kwek for a short meeting after school. Ok obviously the moment I sat down with his at his office, the first thing he did was to show me a full list of the performance of all the J2s for block test. Guess what? My name is like ar the bottom 20 in that 900+ students list. Finally the nail gets hammered in. Triple Fs= FUCKED FUCKED FUCKED. Argh. Ok other than being reminded of the risk that I'm in, by the way the list said something like "students not retained to J1" or something, so that doesnt feel better either. Ok, Mr Kwek saw that I was a councillor and joked to me saying " Do you want to go for a second round of elections?". Well I cant blame him for putting it that way. I was like this close to getting retained. And thank god I wasnt. Hey, I dont believe in God anyways. Well Mr Kwek wasnt that bad after all. After talking with him, there were a few points for me to take note.

1) The risk I'm currently in. Hanging from a cliff with only my fingertips.

2) For those who got excellent results for the tests, they are like people who take taxi to Orchard Road. I'm someone who needs to walk to Orchard Road. Meaning? I will have to take the more difficult and more time consuming path to reach the same level as they are. And I will have to walk to Orchard Road without a map. Meaning again? I will have to ask for directions to reach my destination. Ok in other words Mr Kwek wants me to seek friends and my tutors for to help me in my studies. It isnt a shameful thing to do. And there's also the time constraints. When September comes, which teacher or friend will be free enough to still help me out? Everyone will be busy with their own activities. So I will have to start early.

3) The Grade Gap. Lets say I want to get Triple B for A Levels. How many gaps is that? F, O, E,D,C,B. That's jumping 5 grades. And from what Mr Kwek says, jumping 1 grade needs around 1 month. Which means mass mugging at one go for 5 months. And how many months left till A Levels? 6 months. 3 subjects means I will have to mug triple times harder. Right....is there still time to be relaxing now?

4) Well Mr Kwek ended off with saying, he didnt want to take up too much of my time, and rather I leave earlier to go study. He's quite a nice person I must say. I asked him regarding the June holidays studying schedule, and he says its confirmed already but he doesnt want to reveal the plans yet cause he wants the schedule to be more flexible for the students. Its not a punishment, but he wants to create a culture where everyone can study in. Imagine. If you enter a room and see everyone in the room studying, doenst that make you feel gulity if you dont study? Like yeah that's the culture he wants to create. And I agree. Maybe council seems too carefree to be suitable for my current situation. Maybe its cause is near the end of the council term bah.

5) Also, to consider my future. NUS and NTU certs are recognised all over the world. There are some schools where not all the certs are recognised. And schools like NUS are also cheaper compared to private schools like SIM which are so much more expensive. Cheap and good, as he says. Ok, I never knew that before. That's an interesting point to consider.

6) Finally, no matter what Mr Kwek says, the most important decisions still lies with myself. Whether to be self-disciplined, and put into action hard work, or to end up " Contributing without recognition". Who remembers a councillor who gets triple Ds for A Levels? Well, no one. 3Ds dont get you anywhere, and its off to NS you go. Then really gone fuck already. Ok not really the end of the world, but its fucked up.

-The universe rewards effort, not excuses.
-God does not help those who do not help themselves.
-You reap what you sow.
-Time is scarce. Productivity!
-The future lies in my own hands. I must mould my own future without any regrets.

My family, my classmates and friends, my tutors, please support me through this difficult period of my life. I beg you all.

Hopefully, I will be proud of myself next year. And become a man. A man who managed to finally achieved his own goals in life. Wtf man. Being 18 makes a huge difference.

Zhiming @ 7:42 AM.