Wednesday, May 31, 2006
Ouch... When I left school for home today I started to have a splitting headache. I dont feel that good haha. But studies still have to carry on. Must have been those continuous late nights and stuffing my ears with music when I'm mugging at home. For once I need some peace and silence. At least it makes me feel better alright.
Today was quite a bad day for me bah. Got caught at bio lecture while talking to my classmate. Then I was shot 2 questions which I both answered wrongly. I already have a low sense of self-confidence, and from the incident today, I feel even more disappointed with myself. But at least I put in the effort to admit my mistakes and try to find out what went wrong. And I think I'll go apologise to the lecturer tomorrow. It was both an embarassing and disappointing experience for myself.
If only I put in more effort to read and understand my notes. If only I paid more attention and made sure I benefitted the most from the revision lecture. If only I stopped forgetting how lousy and pathetic I still am at studies. If only I remind myself, there's no real luxury for me to still be carefree. I am still convinced till now, regardless of how much encouragement there has been from others, that I am just not serious enough. And who to blame? Who else but myself. Deep down I still hate myself. And today was another reminder that I am failing my own promises which I made to myself. My promise to prove my worth as a student.
Attitude change time. Knowledge is power. And I must have it at all costs, with my own hands.
The vicious cycle repeats itself. As expected.
Zhiming @ 9:00 PM.
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
Finally....today I got some work going there. Though I didnt really manage to do much revision. But well doing homework is revision yah? Especially for maths. And yesterday, I finally managed to book my final driving lesson. Less distractions for the next month or so cause my test is 2 months later. Resuming practice lessons the few weeks before the actual test. Yes, studies. Finally I get the idea of mugging in school without thinking of other distractions. Though back at home its like back to slacking attitude hm... Must control it. OK rather than blogging more stuff, I should spend this time mugging bio to clarify my doubts during tomorrow's lecture.
Self-motivation is very important I guess. Pay now. Play later. More productivity.
In the end, I am the one in control of what I want. Of what I gain, of what I lose, of what mistakes I repeat. Time to make use of what time is left... rather than bitching about the past and wasting even more time.
Mug like possessed people! I wonder if that's possible for me though. Have to try as much as I can.
At least my inner demons seem quiet for now. Unless I purposely drag them out to remind myself of how I shouldnt fail myself again.
Good luck everyone.
Zhiming @ 9:36 AM.
Friday, May 26, 2006
Finally, a week complete from all that mugging about SPA haha. Well at least I can confidently say that I did put in the effort for studying SPA this time round. And I shouldnt do too bad I guess.
Finally, council is over. Time to uphold my responsibilities as a student. A task that's even more difficult than being a councillor if you ask me. I can still feel the past haunting me. But that's not the main point. I've been there, done that. So time to get back into action again. Time is getting lesser and lesser. And so I will have to work harder and harder. Though I still feel lonely at times. Feeling lonely even though I convinced myself to be independent and not a burden to others.
More driving again this weekend. Time to finish what I have started. Gotta make the time I spent work it.
I still wonder what I've been doing with my time that still makes me no unproductive at studies. Of course. Its the distractions at home. Time to set some stricter rules for myself again. The vicious cycle only repeats itself when I want it to.
I wonder why, but I seem to manage to control my temper a bit better nowadays. I mean I know I'm irritated by stuff but I managed to dont flare up. Lets see how things go bah. I'm quite glad I'm upholding my promises, to some extent.
Good luck all.... for mid years. It's closer than you think it is.... Better start mugging now.
As for me... I shall set goals for myself for mid year. And I must achieve them. That's all I need to focus my mind on.
Zhiming @ 9:48 PM.
Friday, May 19, 2006
Phew...just finished my lessons of the day and came to the council room to see if I could help out in doing the cleaning up. Apparently I reached too late... Oh well it shows that council is still as efficient as ever haha. So I thought I would just hang around, and here I am blogging again.
Today was quite a fruitful day I guess. Well, nothing really special happened, but I guess there's the idea that "What's a good day? Its a day that nothing bad happened rather than something special happened." :) Good enough for me I guess. Well I guess I am seeing things more positively I guess. Hope this lasts as long as possible haha. Well, after slacking at home a bit and arranging my thoughts properly, its time to get back into the working drive again. Yes, another busy weekend to prepare for SPA next week as well as settle some stuff like CCA records and things.
Hm... Well I still have to remind myself of serious things here and there, but as most of my friends say, reminders are needed, but not to the extent of over stress cause it defeats the whole purpose.
Yesterday, I read that book on "The Power of Leadership" that Mrs Chong gave the councillors as a thanks for our hard work during O2 haha. Here's some interesting quotes which I thought were suitable for me.
1. A man must be big enough to admit his mistakes, smart enough to profit from them, and strong enough to correct them.
2. Nothing great was ever achieved without enthusiasm
3. Failure is the opportunity to begin again, more intelligently.
4. Luck is the residue of design.
5. Pay now, play later. Play now, pay later.
6. Failure to prepare is preparing to fail.
7. Have confidence that if you have done a little thing well, you can do a bigger thing well too.
8. The most important thing about having goals is to have one.
Yeap, that's some interesting quotes which inspire me to think through about what to do about my current situation. :)
Ok lah, just a short update for now. Leaving for home now....
Zhiming @ 5:54 PM.
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
Yo everyone, I'm blogging again. Dont worry, this time round I aint angry about stuff again. I just need to mention some things again.
Somehow, everytime I go through periods of like intense stress, there always comes a day when I realise, I was being a dumb person after all thinking about all that. I am also starting to become aware of that viscious cycle that is coming to control my feelings and mood. Or rather, realising the new weakness that I have experienced through.
I also believe in the idea that "Men should shed blood, not tears." And so...whenever I shed tears, there must be a very good reason for that to have happened. At least at the end of the day I gain a greater understanding of myself. So far, I can guess that I cry mainly for 2 reasons. Of course, just like anyone else, who doesnt cry over stress? But there's a more special kind of feeling that I feel at times. The times when I am relieved and yet I still cry. Its a mix of happiness and sadness.
I am happy that I know that there are people who truly care for me and support me, and yet at the same time, after realising how dumb I was, I am saddened by my own faults which hurt and worried others. Its a kind of experience which I didnt have before in the past. Well, life's full of new things to be learnt.
Of course, I remember not to keep myself 100% happy and remind myself of the difficult journey ahead in order not to repeat my mistakes. These few days I have started to over-slack again -_-
I have started to slowly begin to understand what kind of approach I shall take to go through this difficult journey. It was with no doubt earned through lots of hardship and struggles, and all the more I should treasure what I have learnt.
This message is to all my friends who have shown support for me in these times of need. Honestly, I do not know how to repay you all. It is difficult to express in words the gratitude I feel. But as I have always swore to myself, I shall respect always those who have respected me back. With such support, I know and promise, that if there ever comes a time where those inner demons start to set in, I shall conqueur them and move on. There are people who I cannot let down, and goals that I must achieve. Ultimately, I dont want to disappoint and worry others, truly earning that respect I always wanted. Self-respect.
Being angry is a weakness. Purposely making myself angry doesnt justify anything and is still a weakness. Since I cant stay angry forever, I should take the other approach, but make improvements which make sure I dont repeat my same mistakes.
Time to do away with things like "I hate myself, therefore I must get results". Now is, " I have support from people who care about me, therefore I must not disappoint them."
For the next coming weeks, I shall see what I am capable of. I finally see a ray of hope. I must work hard.
Zhiming @ 11:42 PM.
Monday, May 15, 2006
Alamak... Need to let things out again. At the same time I need to explain myself about some issues.
Firstly, I am so sorry if I offended everyone today. : ( My temper is getting out of control yet again. At least its not in bursts of shouting or stuff like that. BUT, I did lash out today at people too. That makes me feel even more worried and sad. Rather than just letting out my anger like what I always do, I'm starting to vent my anger on people and hurt them. Another reason to hate myself. -_-
I feel that I'm just tired. At least from these few weeks, I have concluded that:
Tiredness= An increase in tendency to become angry.
Tiredness=Increase in tendency to think negative thoughts
Today was yet another busy day for me. Yes, no breaks non-stop for the whole day. I'm just mentally exhausted but I dont show it through action. It goes to my head directly and makes me so frustrated even more easily. Even now, I can sense that I'm so drained out. Argh and there's maths test tmr. I can predict that I'm gonna fail it tmr. This weekend round I did some work at the expense of my revision. Lousy time management again.
For my friends who have shown me support, I sincerely thank you all. From the bottom of my heart. In these times of need, I really appreciate all the help and concern I can get. I believe even just a simple "How ya been dude?" makes my heart contented. I just need to know that there's people who support me, and I shall not let them down. I never want to let them down. Letting them down, is letting myself down as well. Letting down my own principles. Since people believe in me, there's no way I should disappoint them.
I always remind myself of the bad situation I'm currently in. I'm not that selfish to feel as if the worst person in the whole wide world is me, but I believe I should always think of myself first before I compare myself to others. If I cant even handle myself, how to help others? Let alone comfort myself by saying I'm not the worst yet.
Work hard, work harder, work hardest.
I need advice and help. Lots of it. Just as what Mr Hanis told me when I met and chatted him today, there's no time for me to still be groping in the darkness. I need a clear view and idea of what path I am taking. That's so true.
Lets see how the rest of the week goes... I think I'm too desperate and lost that I just keep trying every kind of method to see if things work. Even if they are harmful.
I may be lost, but at least I am clear of what I want. My goals have never changed and will never change as well.
Zhiming @ 8:53 AM.
Sunday, May 14, 2006
Finally....The start of the week tomorrow. Lots of things to look forward to. Bring on the studying! Gotta occupy myself with school work otherwise I'll turn mad. Wait. I am already mad. So what makes a difference?My time management still sucks. My self-discipline still sucks. This weekend, I managed to do some maths and chem work. But at the expense of my revision of stuff like tests etc. Hell, I DO work, but whether I learnt or remembered anything from it is another matter. That sucks. Horray. I still hate myself. And I even have to keep reminding myself about that too?
What's up with that lousy attitude of mine that makes me keep slacking somehow? I WANT TO DO MORE WORK!!! Need more forced self-discipline. If mind power could overcome things, I hope it works now. Argh.
"Just relax yah Zhiming?" Bleah. I dont think so. I cant relax. I dont want to relax. Yet my performance still isnt up to standard. I believe that I somehow will continue bitching about how I hate myself, until it becomes natural for others to feel that I hate myself naturally. I dunno.
Irritating! I need something MORE! Some kind of motivation. Even my anger doesnt last me long enough. Thinking back about the past, I feel that I wasted my life away again. Be honest man. Yes I did learn stuff. But if I did learn that much, would I be in such a predicament now? Still the same old Zhiming that believes that he's the same old person. Better or worse, I dunno. Maybe for all the new things I learnt, I gained new weaknesses. If you get what I mean. Understanding my weaknesses makes me feel even more helpless. Yet it is good to be able to see one's weaknesses. -_- All that philosophical stuff again.
Of course, who doesnt need a break once in a while. But how can I take breaks when I myself dont feel the need for one. And if I am relaxing, its slacking, not relaxing. The only convinced relaxation I will give myself is sleeptime. Anything else is wasting time. Even like blogging. O_O ARGH!!!! I just need to let things out.
Even self-comfort like, " Dont worry, my situation isnt that bad, there are people worse off. " doesnt work. Ok, it sort of helps for the moment. But at the end at the day, why should I compare myself to others, when I am already at rock bottom. The pot calling the kettle black. As I was adviced, I should compare myself with only myself. Self-awareness is the key. Then again I hate myself even more after understanding how lousy I am. Better than before by a bit but still lousy. I admit it. I aint a person that appreciates small achievements. I expect more from myself. More and more and even more. Yet the greater the disappointment.
Of course, even at home I cant show an angry face all the time. It is just not possible to be like that.
I reckon that I'm still not trying hard enough. I'm still not at 100% drive. In face, I even want to be at 200% drive if I could. Now I just get a big failure feeling. Anything that doesnt reach 100% drive is a failure. I mean anything.
Currently, I am convinced that there are 5 necessary things for me to remind myself.
1. The Hate I have for myself
2. My Goals
3. Gaining Self-Recognition
4.Controlling my inner demons to my advantage
5.RESULTS
I should just spend 1/2 an hour everyday to remind myself about these things or something like that.
Another negative post. Its worth it if it can convince and remind myself of what's important.
Enough talk. More action. Time to change to my negative mood.
Zhiming @ 9:18 PM.
Thursday, May 11, 2006
RESULTS! Its always about results. No one gives you recognition without results. Without results you aint worth anything.
Let my inner demons remember. Let it be pierced deep into my heart and brain. I shall hate myself, until I achieve my ultimate goal.
Zhiming @ 10:04 PM.
Being overcome by anger once again. Yet this time round, I managed to control it. At least avoiding people worked this time round. No one should see my dark side. Or at least see it face to face. Sometimes its just a better idea to leave me alone. I would rather suffer myself, than show my weakness to others.
I kind of understand what the reasons this time round are. "Temporary distractions" I guess. Being happy around friends. Being happy around councillors. Being distracted when doing council related work. Yet at the end of the day, when all things are over, I still feel angry over everything. Its not that people dont understand how I feel. I believe they feel it too. But people approach things differently. Some always stay optimistic because only by doing so can they work at their most potential.
People like me, well I always care about what kind of a person I am. It isnt about Mid Years, it isnt about A Levels. It is about the pride I hold for myself. Stubborn pride. To respect others, I must learn to respect myself first. And yet I always fail myself over and over again. To prove to myself finally that there are goals which I can achieve in life.
Yes. I am battling against myself. Battling against my inner demons, battling against my beliefs.
Sorry my friends. If I disappointed you all. It may seem hypocritical that I'm happy when I'm with you all, but yet the true me at the end of the day is actually so angry inside. I have kept my promise, of not showing how angry I am inside, and letting my bad mood affect others. At least you all should know that I always try my best to respect the requests of my friends.
I have always highly regarded respect as a very important way of how I live my life. I guess cause pride is so closely related to respect. To me the most important part of a friendship is to have mutual respect. Earn my respect, and I shall fully give you mine as well, if not twice as much. But then, disrespect me, and the inner demons will reveal themselves without hesitation.
Maybe that's why I am so closely attached to council. I have finally found people who have shown me the kind of respect that I desired, if not more. Yet I feel that I am unworthy of such respect, cause of my lousy performance in studies. I hate myself. Its easy to make friends, hard to keep true friends, even harder to find true friends who will respect you and support you always.
Ultimately, I hate myself for being unworthy of people's respect. I still hate myself more than anything else. More than feelings of loneliness. More than feelings of uselessness. I hate myself, for forever never reaching my goals. I just need a trace of hope. One which is gained from my very own hard work, not by the help of the Gods or luck.
I wish to be able to gain my own recognition of myself.
Zhiming @ 9:05 PM.
Dudes, I failed another test again. Haiz made me feel so sad and angry over myself just now. But its gone, just like that shower of rain that just came and went. Ok. Point proven. Talking to friends does help. At least even a bit of encouragement makes a big difference to me I guess. Thank you all. Well, time to continue to try out that method of using " negative feelings" to motivate my drive. Decided to stay back to help out with the last banner painting of Aesthec. This weekend, there's lots of work to be done. No more unnecessary slacking. At least even if I do so, then it must be worthwhile. Just slack, be done with it, and continue doing work even harder to make up for it. Rather than bitching and going round in circles. Argh. -_-"
Ok. At least my level of seriousness when doing work has increased to some extent. And at least I dont really get too angry till I flare up. Maybe doing homework when I'm angry gets the stress away...lol But I'm getting angry to do homework... Weird...
OK then. Back to discussing stuff with Cleo and Swee Wei who are with me at the council room now.
Zhiming @ 5:04 PM.
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
Argh! What am I doing with my life? Losing motivation yet again. What happened to all that self-discipline of mugging at home? I seemed to have reached rock bottom these 3 days. Havent done anything for nuts. What's going on sia. Mid Year is SO CLOSE!!!! I need to get myself together. That fucking brain of mine isnt getting enough sense again. I need to stop slacking! Argh! All talk no action. I reap what I sow. I'm gonna be fucked up if I continue at this rate. Must study! Heck care everything else. So many distractions nowadays. Need to realise the long term goal ahead. Ok at least the fact that I'm bitching now means I havent forgotten what's important.
Need more stress! Stress reminds me to stop slacking. Relaxing puts all that effort I put in down the drain. Yes, no matter what means possible, I must accomplish what I have started! Sianz ah! Why did things turn out like this again. ANGRY!!!! I hate myself for being so weak. For being so useless. For never treasuring the goals I have set for myself. Yes, I so so hate myself. No matter what sacrifice, regardless of whether it makes me stressed, resulting in my temper getting worse, or resulting in a boring lifestyle, there is work that must be done. Crap, I'm back at square one. OMG. I'm still in a fucked up situation yet again.
As Mr Kwek says, suffering for this half a year to get good grades is worthwhile, as it is a small sacrifice compared to what you will gain in future, for the rest of your life.
Oh yes, my classmate recently told me, rather than the universe rewards effort, not excuses, the universe rewards results, not effort. True indeed.
Goals, determination, priorities, all that is bullshit when you dont put in action. The things that motivate me actually have no true motivational value at all. I need to find something even more effective. Something that lies even deeper within my heart. Something that 100% makes me put in effort. I believe that thing, is anger. Haha. The irony that I am going to accept something which I have been fighting against all since forever. I am beginning to see things in a different view now. If you cant fight it, then join it. Use it to your own advantage. Finally. I see a use for my own weaknesses. I'm so desperate now.
If being angry does get things done, I dont mind. If being unhappy gets things done, I wont mind too. These are necessary sacrifices. Looks like I'm destined to be unhappy till my studies improve. Being happy is a choice. Being angry is a choice. Feeling fucked up is an emotion. Emotions lead to choices. And so I have made a choice. I shall move forward, with anger as a motivation. Why should I relax when it only leads to me feeling so lost and fucked up again. Who doesnt want to relax? But at this point of time, I cant. I mustnt. There is a thin line between relaxing and slacking. I cant afford to relax!!!! ANGRY!!!!
Ultimately, the greatest thing I fucking hate the most in this whole wide world, is myself.
Zhiming @ 10:21 PM.
Monday, May 08, 2006
What a tiring day today. Ok, I kind of got back into the "studies is important" mode. Well, which means more stress yet again. Today, people just seemed to be getting on my nerves. They are either making LOTS of unnecessary noise, or they just give me the wrong attitude. Knowing myself, I was like this close to releasing the demon again. Thank god I didnt. And it was by pure luck. Well at least when I was in that state of getting angry, I thought about how some people had reminded me earlier on to keep my anger in check. And so I did. Maybe it helped to some extent at least. I dont expect a pat on my back though. The demon inside continues to sneer at me.
Yet, it just feels so regretful. Oh, the satisfaction I would get if I were to just shut up those people straight in the face. FEAR me for all I care. Irritating noise pierces through all my nerves into the brain and acts as the driving power of the demon. Today was a lucky day for those people I guess. Hopefully the same thing wont repeat itself.The 1st half of the day was so negative. Things got slightly better later. Cause I occupied myself with homework. No matter how clear I am of the negative consequences, which angry person would care about anything else while he's angry? Of course I know its wrong. Of course I know why its bad. Yet at times it just feels necessary to let things out. Too bad my most effective way is to start going berserk. But well today's over. Time to forget about it and to move on. Any improvement no matter how small counts.
Today, I got back my bio test. Haiz, as expected I still got a long way to go. 16/45 , an O Grade. This time I surely put in effort, but well, its recognised by all its a long and difficult road to climb up the ladder to success once you dropped to rock bottom once. So MORE EFFORT!! But to be honest I'm quite demoralised also lah. Even though I surely gained some confidence with my own efforts. Starting to feel so tired again... But well people seem to be quite supportive of me. There's a little sign of hope within me I guess. But its not strong enough to support me yet. To increase my confidence, I will need to put in more effort, and convince myself with results. Though of course, the motto " You reap what you sow" doesnt apply all the time. Some people keep putting in effort but gain nothing, and the disappointment becomes even bigger. Its a risky bet I guess.
Argh...headache sia. I need to relax. Yet again, I cant. Argh...
Zhiming @ 8:48 PM.
Sunday, May 07, 2006
Another week has passed... Now its week 8th of the term! Only 46 days left till Mid Year Exam! The clock continues ticking, yet somehow though I have made some progress, it never seems to feel enough. So many things to do, so little time, and I aint a machine after all. You cant expect a person to rot at home a whole week studying stuff, and have no side effects. I guess all that tiredness is converted back into an increase in temper tendencies... So point taken. Rotting at home to study isnt that a good thing after all.
Guess I need to remember to take the chance to relax too. But, relaxing too much brings me back to my original state in the first place whereby relaxing too much makes me forget about the goals ahead of me. Stuck between a rock and a hard place now I guess. Its always so hard to find the balance of things. Well anways regardless of all that, thinking about it will only result in going in circles again. Which was what happened the previous time I was frustrated about stuff. So, same rule applies. Forget about other things and just focus on moving forward. Priorities.
And at the same time, I'll have to take note that the demon in me doesnt get unleashed again.
-_-" It always wins in one way or another. Argh. It aint easy knowing how hard it is to overcome a weakness that you have known since the beginning.
The fight continues! Study study study! Busy busy busy! Work hard people. Double motivation yah?
Zhiming @ 9:16 PM.
Friday, May 05, 2006
Hm...finally the weekend. What a week of events...Feels like a very long week indeed... Studies and more studies for the chem and bio test... Internal elections, finally started to know more of the 29th, watched Drama night just now, yeah. Lots of stuff.
Haiz... today my weakness resurfaced again... The same old problem of not being able to stand noise when I get tired... Must have been cause of all that exhaustion from the 5hr lesson marathon... I mean, I dunno if its by reasoning or just by emotion, but somehow noise doesnt suit me when I'm tired. Like I'm already so tired already then still must tahan so much unnecessary noise? Especially when its made by people... Been a long problem. And I mean really LONG. With those other weaknesses which I know about myself. I'm convinced that I'm still a scary person after all. Man, I tried to stay away to cool down...but I still have to enter the "noisy area" cause I have to tell people to "Let's go eat dinner already" ya know? And in the end? End result still the same. Its not that I'm not trying. -_- If it was me of the past, I would have been even more unpredictable. At least now you can "see" when I start to buay tahan. Not that I'm any proud of myself though. Its a long lasting battle and I'm still always at the same level. Bleah. Next time I should use ear plugs or something. Now that's an idea. But its not solving the root of the problem. Which is what I want. The search still continues...
Haiz. Sad. Disappointed myself yet again. The dark side wins again.
Anyways, this weekend I need to pia some homework. Otherwise I'll feel even more bad over myself.
Zhiming @ 9:55 PM.
Monday, May 01, 2006
Rawr!!! The final day of study marathon! The challenge is finally here! Time to see how much I can reap from my efforts. I aint gonna be the same person I used to be last week! As long as I know that I put in the effort, things shouldnt go that bad. Time to continue studying.
Study study study! Busy busy busy!
Work hard everyone!
Zhiming @ 10:34 PM.
Woot...Another day of Studying Marathon over.... the final round continues.
What a shag feeling I feel now. O_O Been staring at chem notes for the past few hours, just writing and trying to memorise reactions and equations... Managed to go through carboxylic acids and nitrogen compounds. Man, this studying technique has its flaws too. Ok, I know I'm doing work, but somehow there's not enough balance on my subjects. Like it just seems there's endless work to be done. Which is quite true. I am still lagging behind in homework. -_- Imagine what would have happened if I had gone for council camp. Oh well I must admit I am happy with the effort that I am putting in now. Need to slowly increase the productivity... Summaries appear to be useful after all. At least reading your own hand-written notes gives you a different feeling than from just memorising printed notes...
Lets see how well this works out for the 2 upcoming tests...Shag sia. Study study study! Busy busy busy!
Zhiming @ 12:43 AM.
