Argh! What am I doing with my life? Losing motivation yet again. What happened to all that self-discipline of mugging at home? I seemed to have reached rock bottom these 3 days. Havent done anything for nuts. What's going on sia. Mid Year is SO CLOSE!!!! I need to get myself together. That fucking brain of mine isnt getting enough sense again. I need to stop slacking! Argh! All talk no action. I reap what I sow. I'm gonna be fucked up if I continue at this rate. Must study! Heck care everything else. So many distractions nowadays. Need to realise the long term goal ahead. Ok at least the fact that I'm bitching now means I havent forgotten what's important.

Need more stress! Stress reminds me to stop slacking. Relaxing puts all that effort I put in down the drain. Yes, no matter what means possible, I must accomplish what I have started! Sianz ah! Why did things turn out like this again. ANGRY!!!! I hate myself for being so weak. For being so useless. For never treasuring the goals I have set for myself. Yes, I so so hate myself. No matter what sacrifice, regardless of whether it makes me stressed, resulting in my temper getting worse, or resulting in a boring lifestyle, there is work that must be done. Crap, I'm back at square one. OMG. I'm still in a fucked up situation yet again.

As Mr Kwek says, suffering for this half a year to get good grades is worthwhile, as it is a small sacrifice compared to what you will gain in future, for the rest of your life.

Oh yes, my classmate recently told me, rather than the universe rewards effort, not excuses, the universe rewards results, not effort. True indeed.

Goals, determination, priorities, all that is bullshit when you dont put in action. The things that motivate me actually have no true motivational value at all. I need to find something even more effective. Something that lies even deeper within my heart. Something that 100% makes me put in effort. I believe that thing, is anger. Haha. The irony that I am going to accept something which I have been fighting against all since forever. I am beginning to see things in a different view now. If you cant fight it, then join it. Use it to your own advantage. Finally. I see a use for my own weaknesses. I'm so desperate now.

If being angry does get things done, I dont mind. If being unhappy gets things done, I wont mind too. These are necessary sacrifices. Looks like I'm destined to be unhappy till my studies improve. Being happy is a choice. Being angry is a choice. Feeling fucked up is an emotion. Emotions lead to choices. And so I have made a choice. I shall move forward, with anger as a motivation. Why should I relax when it only leads to me feeling so lost and fucked up again. Who doesnt want to relax? But at this point of time, I cant. I mustnt. There is a thin line between relaxing and slacking. I cant afford to relax!!!! ANGRY!!!!

Ultimately, the greatest thing I fucking hate the most in this whole wide world, is myself.