Finally....The start of the week tomorrow. Lots of things to look forward to. Bring on the studying! Gotta occupy myself with school work otherwise I'll turn mad. Wait. I am already mad. So what makes a difference?My time management still sucks. My self-discipline still sucks. This weekend, I managed to do some maths and chem work. But at the expense of my revision of stuff like tests etc. Hell, I DO work, but whether I learnt or remembered anything from it is another matter. That sucks. Horray. I still hate myself. And I even have to keep reminding myself about that too?

What's up with that lousy attitude of mine that makes me keep slacking somehow? I WANT TO DO MORE WORK!!! Need more forced self-discipline. If mind power could overcome things, I hope it works now. Argh.

"Just relax yah Zhiming?" Bleah. I dont think so. I cant relax. I dont want to relax. Yet my performance still isnt up to standard. I believe that I somehow will continue bitching about how I hate myself, until it becomes natural for others to feel that I hate myself naturally. I dunno.

Irritating! I need something MORE! Some kind of motivation. Even my anger doesnt last me long enough. Thinking back about the past, I feel that I wasted my life away again. Be honest man. Yes I did learn stuff. But if I did learn that much, would I be in such a predicament now? Still the same old Zhiming that believes that he's the same old person. Better or worse, I dunno. Maybe for all the new things I learnt, I gained new weaknesses. If you get what I mean. Understanding my weaknesses makes me feel even more helpless. Yet it is good to be able to see one's weaknesses. -_- All that philosophical stuff again.

Of course, who doesnt need a break once in a while. But how can I take breaks when I myself dont feel the need for one. And if I am relaxing, its slacking, not relaxing. The only convinced relaxation I will give myself is sleeptime. Anything else is wasting time. Even like blogging. O_O ARGH!!!! I just need to let things out.

Even self-comfort like, " Dont worry, my situation isnt that bad, there are people worse off. " doesnt work. Ok, it sort of helps for the moment. But at the end at the day, why should I compare myself to others, when I am already at rock bottom. The pot calling the kettle black. As I was adviced, I should compare myself with only myself. Self-awareness is the key. Then again I hate myself even more after understanding how lousy I am. Better than before by a bit but still lousy. I admit it. I aint a person that appreciates small achievements. I expect more from myself. More and more and even more. Yet the greater the disappointment.

Of course, even at home I cant show an angry face all the time. It is just not possible to be like that.

I reckon that I'm still not trying hard enough. I'm still not at 100% drive. In face, I even want to be at 200% drive if I could. Now I just get a big failure feeling. Anything that doesnt reach 100% drive is a failure. I mean anything.

Currently, I am convinced that there are 5 necessary things for me to remind myself.

I should just spend 1/2 an hour everyday to remind myself about these things or something like that.

Another negative post. Its worth it if it can convince and remind myself of what's important.

Enough talk. More action. Time to change to my negative mood.