Being overcome by anger once again. Yet this time round, I managed to control it. At least avoiding people worked this time round. No one should see my dark side. Or at least see it face to face. Sometimes its just a better idea to leave me alone. I would rather suffer myself, than show my weakness to others.
I kind of understand what the reasons this time round are. "Temporary distractions" I guess. Being happy around friends. Being happy around councillors. Being distracted when doing council related work. Yet at the end of the day, when all things are over, I still feel angry over everything. Its not that people dont understand how I feel. I believe they feel it too. But people approach things differently. Some always stay optimistic because only by doing so can they work at their most potential.
People like me, well I always care about what kind of a person I am. It isnt about Mid Years, it isnt about A Levels. It is about the pride I hold for myself. Stubborn pride. To respect others, I must learn to respect myself first. And yet I always fail myself over and over again. To prove to myself finally that there are goals which I can achieve in life.
Yes. I am battling against myself. Battling against my inner demons, battling against my beliefs.
Sorry my friends. If I disappointed you all. It may seem hypocritical that I'm happy when I'm with you all, but yet the true me at the end of the day is actually so angry inside. I have kept my promise, of not showing how angry I am inside, and letting my bad mood affect others. At least you all should know that I always try my best to respect the requests of my friends.
I have always highly regarded respect as a very important way of how I live my life. I guess cause pride is so closely related to respect. To me the most important part of a friendship is to have mutual respect. Earn my respect, and I shall fully give you mine as well, if not twice as much. But then, disrespect me, and the inner demons will reveal themselves without hesitation.
Maybe that's why I am so closely attached to council. I have finally found people who have shown me the kind of respect that I desired, if not more. Yet I feel that I am unworthy of such respect, cause of my lousy performance in studies. I hate myself. Its easy to make friends, hard to keep true friends, even harder to find true friends who will respect you and support you always.
Ultimately, I hate myself for being unworthy of people's respect. I still hate myself more than anything else. More than feelings of loneliness. More than feelings of uselessness. I hate myself, for forever never reaching my goals. I just need a trace of hope. One which is gained from my very own hard work, not by the help of the Gods or luck.
I wish to be able to gain my own recognition of myself.
Zhiming @ 9:05 PM.